Matchmaker Moony
by Hollabulooooooooo
Summary: James and Lily are always fighting and their friends are getting tired of it. How far will they go to get them together? 6th year. Remus's POV. A lot of overanalyzing! Rated for safety!
1. 1 How to get them together?

Matchmaker Moony

Chapter One

How to get them together?

**A/N: Hiya peoples! This is my third fanfic, so I hope you guys like it okay. If you don't like it, you can go read my other two: Her Little Bundle of Joy (one-shot) and The Marauders Premarauders (a work in progress, has 8 chappies) Please Read and Review!**

**Summary: James and Lily are always fighting and their friends are getting tired of it. How far will they go to get them together? Remus's POV. A lot of over-analyzing! Please R&R. I f you read and review, I'll read and review yours!**

**Disclaimer: If I were JK Rowling, do you _really_ think I would be sitting here right now writing for FanFiction?**

**Remus's POV**

They're at it again. Arguing, quarreling, fighting, bickering. Call it what you may, but I call it a pain in the arse.

"POTTER! WHAT _IS_ YOUR PROBLEM? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Yes, that would be Lily. She actually has a very loud voice.

"WELL, MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T _STALKING _ME, THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM!"

Ah, yes, and now James enters the picture. Lovely boy.

"HA! _ME_ STALKING _YOU? _DON'T YOU MEAN YOU'RE STALKING ME?" Lily screamed.

James appeared to have cooled down, "C'mon, Evans, you know you love me," he said with a very confident smile.

Lily smiled. Wait, she_ smiled. _That's a bit odd.

"Oh, _yes_, James," she purred seductively, "I really do love you. Kiss me."

Okay, now this is what some would call an awkward moment, for me at least.

After the shock of what Lily had said, James puckered his lips expectantly. Lily strode up to him and slapped him upside the face and stalked off. Ouch.

"Tough luck, James," I said getting up from the chair I was sitting in, "That looks painful,"

James massaged the red handprint on his face. Enter Sirius.

"Prongs, will you and Evans stop quarreling-(I rolled my eyes. Sirius seemed very proud of his 'sophisticated' vocabulary)-_some _people are trying to sleep."

"Padfoot, its half past three. I really think that no one is trying to sleep," I said, sounding smart as always.

"Well, _who _exactly do you consider no one?"Sirius made and indignant huff and stomped back up the Dormitory stairs.

James got up and left to go down to the kitchens, leaving me alone to think.

I could tell there was indeed something happening between our Prongsie and Lily, even though they would rather be attacked by 362 nifflers while wearing outfits made of anything sparkly than admit it. Suddenly, Sirius came bounding down the stairs, making much more racket than James and Lily when they were arguing.

"Where'd Prongs go?" Sirius asked.

"Kitchen," I said, pointing towards the portrait hole.

Once Sirius was gone, I was free to ponder ways to get James and Lily together. Here's

the list I had made so far: lock them together in a small, enclosed space for a long period

of time (i.e., broom closet, small box, dungeon, etc.), love potion (bad idea, it illegal in

Hogwarts. But then again, when have little things like laws stopped the Marauders?),

spike some punch or pumpkin juice and play a rousing game of truth or dare (actually,

not a bad idea…) hmm, I'll think of more.

Sirius came back looking a little flustered, but he smoothed back his ebony hair.

"Hey, Pads. Come here," I said, beckoning him, "I have an idea…"

I told Sirius about my ideas for getting Lily and James together. At first he looked shocked.

"MOONY!" he said, "I had no idea you had such a scheming mind! I think I'll have to call you…Matchmaker Moony!"

"Please don't," I said, glaring at Padfoot.

"Right-o!" Sirius said, taking the hint from my glare, "I think we should try the truth or dare idea, it'll be more fun for us. But where to get the fire whiskey….?

"Hogsmeade," I said immediately.

"Ah, yes, Hogsmeade. Well, we're going to need to borrow James's Invisibility cloak, aren't we?" Sirius said, eyes glinting.

As you may find, when I say borrow, I usually ask permission of the owner before taking it. Not so with Sirius. He tells me you can 'borrow' anything from anyone without asking as long as you return it before it's missed. Sirius sure has some messed up morals.

Sirius and I left the portrait hole and walked towards the statue of the one-eyed witch. Throwing the cloak over us, Sirius opened the witch's hump. Was it just me, or does this cloak get smaller every year?

"Ugh, Sirius!" I hissed, "Stop going so bloody fast, I'm going to hit my hea-OW!" as a protruding rock collided with my skull.

"Oh stop whining Moony! You want this to work, don't you?"

Feeling the swelling bump on my head, I wasn't quite sure about my plan.

After about a half an hour, though felt more like half a century, we emerged through the trapdoor in Honeyduke's cellar. We climbed out and hurried up the stairs, trying to make as little noise as we could.

Once out of the shop, Sirius took the cloak off us and I felt the goose egg growing on my forehead.

"Okay Moony, we have a few ways to go about this:

We could ask any random old guy to go buy so whisky for us.

I could go in as a dog and steal it and hope no one notices

I could go in under the Invisibility Cloak and swipe it

Or we could go try to buy it ourselves and hope they don't catch us."

I considered all of these options, and decided Sirius should go in as a dog.

"Hmm," I said, "I think you should transform into a dog an-" but Sirius cut me off.

"Ask a random old guy? Okay!" and he dragged over to where a very old looking wizard was sitting.

"Hey old guy!" Sirius said, waving his arms in front of the old dude's face.

"Martha!" said the old man, throwing his arms around Sirius.

"Um, I'm not Mar-" but I elbowed him in the stomach and he put on a high-pitched girl voice.

"Oh, honey! So good to see you!" Sirius cried. It was really quite convincing. I'm impressed.

"Oh, Martha!" the old man cried, finally letting go of Sirius, "Is there anything I can get, to make up for lost times?"

"Well, um," Sirius giggled. Its almost scary how good he is at being a girl. Makes you wonder……

"..um, well, I could use a bottle of firewhisky, but that's okay if-"

Before Sirius could finish, the old guy was back with a large bottle in his hands. Sirius looked amazed at how fast the old guy could run.

"Well, erm, it's been great seeing you, but I really must dash…."

Sirius and I ran back to Honeyduke's and laughed our heads off the entire way back to the castle.

"My god Padfoot, you're really good at being a girl! Is there something you're not telling me?" I asked, eyebrows raised.

Sirius whacked me on my head, hitting the precise place where the rock had done its damage earlier. Ow.

We got back to the common room a while later. Upon entering, Sirius exclaimed:

"Who wants to play TRUTH or DARE!"

**A/N: Okay, I finished that one, not too long, but whatever! I hope y'all liked it okay! If so, leave a review by pushing that button that says GO. If not, leave me alone and go flame someone else!**

**Toodals!**

**-!Hollabulooooooooo!-**


	2. 2 Truth or Dare

**A/N: Hi! I know it's been a really really long time since I posted chappie 1, but I've been really busy! You can flame me if you want! This is my belated Christmas present to all my readers (hopefully you all are still with me lol!) Soooo, here's chapter 2 of Matchmaker Moony, Merry Christmas, and remember its from Remus's PoV! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I was not JK Rowling, and unless something has changed since then, I do not own anything but OC's and the plot! **

_Last time on Matchmaker Moony:_

_Sirius exclaimed, "Who wants to play TRUTH or DARE!"_

Matchmaker Moony

Chapter 2

Truth or Dare

"Truth or Dare?" Lily repeated, walking in to the common room looking confused, "What's that?"

Sirius looked astonished that Lily had never played, or even heard of, for that matter, the game of Truth or Dare in her six years if attending Hogwarts. I, however, wasn't too surprised. Lily generally doesn't get sucked into things like that.

After recovering from his shock, Sirius said, "Truth or Dare is this game where someone asks you 'truth or dare' and you pick one. If you pick Truth, you have to tell the truth to whatever question they ask you. If you pick Dare, you have to do whatever you're dared." He looked very pleased at his lengthy and detailed explanation. Lily, however, still looked very confused.

"Here, come and play with us," I said, beckoning her forward, "you can watch to see how it's done." Lily, of course, trusted me enough to know I would never get her into any _real_ trouble, and came and joined the circle we had formed in the common room.

"Sooooo," Sirius said, rubbing his hands together, looking eager, "Who should start?"

"I think you should, Sirius," Lily piped up.

"Oh, Lily, you make me blush," Sirius replied, pretending to be bashful, "Okay, hmmmmm, Moony!"

Sirius said this actually quite loudly, bringing me out of my reverie.

"What?" I said, looking at Sirius.

"Moony, truth or dare?" I really had hoped I wouldn't be dragged into this so soon. But then again, it could be a good thing. You see, I have really not played much truth or dare in my life, seeing as it's a Muggle game, and though I live with my Muggle grandparents over the summer, I know very few Muggles my age who would play with me. (**A/N: You, my dear readers, have such perverted minds. I don't mean 'play with me' in _that_ way!**)

"Hmmmmmm," I thought. Well, you can never go wrong with Truth, but then again, Dare is much more interesting. I always like to play on the safe side…….

"Truth," I concluded.

"Oh, Moony! You're so bor-ing!" Sirius whined in this nasally, girly voice, "Oh well. Hmmmmmm, Moony," Sirius said, scratching his chin, he almost convinced me that he was thinking.

"Padfoot, stop trying to look smart, it doesn't suit you," I said laughing. He stopped scratching his chin immediately.

"Is it true that you like Stair Wars?" Sirius asked.

"Don't you mean _Star_ Wars?" I asked.

"Yeah, whatever that thing is with all the Jet-eyes and life savers…."

"I do like Star Wars," I said, "but you like them too Sirius!"

"OK Moony! Your turn!" Sirius said trying to change the subject off of his unnatural fetish for Star Wars.

"Okay, James, truth or dare?" I asked James already knowing the answer.

"Dare!" James said without hesitating.

Dares were hard to think of. C'mon Moony! Think!

"Uh, okay, James," I said, "I dare you to lick the bottom of your shoe."

"Oh, how original Moony," James said looking disgusted, "Do you know _how _many times I've licked the bottom of my shoe?"

"Actually, I really don't want to know" I said wondering exactly how many times James had played truth or dare in his life.

Everyone watched, filled with apprehension as James leaned over and…licked the bottom of his shoe. Dun dun dun.

"That's really disgusting you know," Lily said, edging away from James, as she was sitting next to her.

"Okay! My turn. Lily," James said smiling turning to the poor girl beside him, "Truth or dare?"

"Ummmmm, dare I guess," she said (**A/N: remember, James doesn't like her, so he won't dare her to kiss him or anything**)

"Okay, Lily, I dare you to, um, snog Peter!" James said feeling brilliant.

"What! Peter? Ewww, no!" Lily said, forgetting that Peter was sitting right next to her. She noticed this right after she'd said that. "Oh, I mean, um, I thought he said I had to snog _Sirius_!"

"Hey!" Sirius said, looking unhappy and pouty that someone had dissed him like that, especially a girl.

I was beginning to feel that this party would never liven up, so I said, "I'm thirsty, anyone want some butterbeer?"

Sirius caught my drift and ran upstairs to his "secret" stash of butterbeer (that we'd already spiked)

He rushed down the steps leading from the Boys' Dormitory.

"Where'd you get the butterbeer, Sirius?" Lily asked, looking disapprovingly towards the bottles in his arms.

"Oh, I have…connections…" Sirius said mysteriously, though all of us Marauders knew exactly what he was talking about.

Sirius passed out the bottles around the posse and settled back down again, "Okay, whose turn was it?"

Lily tried to make it look as though she didn't know who's turn it was, but James remembered, "Oh yeah, Lily has to snog Peter!" James said, pointing at Lily.

She turned a dark shade of crimson and leaned across the circle and quickly pecked Peter on the lips. She wiped her mouth on her robes while he had his back turned.

"Okay, Peter!" Sirius said, though he was a little tipsy after drinking almost all of his bottle of butterbeer.

"Um, Sirius, truth or dare?" Peter squeaked, looking at Sirius with a frightened expression. He knew only too well that Sirius could become violent and slightly perverted when 'under the influence.'

"DARE!" Sirius screamed.

"Okay, uh, I dare you to give James a wet willy!" Peter said as if it was the very worst thing you could ever do to someone.

Sirius stared at Peter for a second, trying to figure out what was wrong with this boy. He cocked his head to the side.

Suddenly, he stuck his finger in his mouth and jabbed it in James's ear. "Ha ha! Gotcha!" he screamed and broke into a fit of hysterics. James started giggling to, but in a more girly way. He put his hand to his mouth and was looking around, trying to stifle his laughter.

Lily was getting a little tipsy and started walking around as if she was dizzy. She tripped over Sirius's foot and landed on top of him.

"Oh, sssorryyy," she slurred, sitting on Sirius's chest. He, just pulled her down and started snogging her right there.

This wasn't going quite as planned. Lily hadn't said she liked James (or vice versa), and was making out with Sirius, the one who was supposed to be helping me get James and Lily together. So much for that idea.

I slumped onto one of the couches in the common room. I felt myself losing conciseness. Can't fall asleep. Must stay awake. Can't fall asl….

**A/N: Okay peoples. That was about the same length as the last one, but at least I updated, right? Please review cuz it really helps me. My 13th birthday was December 8th, so wish me a belated b-day in your review, or you shall feel my wrath! Naw, just kidding, if you do decide to review, you will get some virtual cookies and chocolate (and if you don't like that stuff cough crazy cough then I'll give you something else virtual!) Deal?**

**Happy New Years! (a little late)**

**Hollabulooooooooo**


	3. 3 An Innocent Concoction

**A/N: My goodness, I haven't updated this since the 8th of January. I am really truly sorry, my dear reads, please forgive me. Normally I would make up an excuse for not writing for so long, but I have none, so flame me if you wish! I won't take it too hard, I deserve it anyhow.**

**Disclamer: I don't own this stuff, right-o?**

**Matchmaker Moony**

An Innocent Concoction

Chapter 3

**Remus's POV**

"Sirius?" I asked timidly, "Sirius are you absolutely positive about this?"

"Of course I am!" he said airily, "When have I ever been wrong?"

I took a big breath, ready to list the numerous occasions upon which Sirius had been as far from correct as possible.

"Nevermind Moony," he said, cutting me off, "It's nearly finished."

I stared down at the concoction brewing in the small pewter cauldron sitting on the floor of the sixth year boys dormitory. I watched as Sirius added another ingredient to the mix, not even caring to measure it.

"Padfoot, why did you persuade me to do this?" I said, massaging my temples.

"Just think of it this way Moony, it's all in the best interest of our dearest Prongsie!" he said happily, barely even looking at my horrified face.

"We might not have had to do this had you not snogged Lily, Sirius!" I said, glaring daggers at Sirius.

He merely shrugged. "I can't help it if the ladies can't keep their hand off me!"

I snorted in response. "Well, as you said 'its in the best interest of James.'"

He looked at me, nonpulsed. "So? What does that have to do with anything Moony-kins?"

"It means," I said, once again glaring at this primitive creature before me, "It means that you need to stay away from Lily during this…plan" I said, considering my wording.

"Alright fine, Moon-man" Sirius said tartly, looking put out.

I looked down at the cauldron sitting between us; the substance within had turned a deep shade of pink. I looked in the potions book that Sirius had nicked from the resticted section of the library and found that we had finished the potion. The love potion. I scooped out the contents and poured them into a vial.

I admired the potion that Pads and I had concocted. But after looking at it for a moment or two, I realized just how much trouble we could get in for having this. So many things could go wrong. We could get arrested. Expelled. The wrong person could drink the potion. The vial could break. Someone might tell a school authority…

Just then I noticed Sirius staring at me, his head cocked slightly to the side. How long had I been over-analyzing this situation?

"C'mon Moony, we wont get caught, he said, as though reading my thoughts, "Leave it to the Moon-ster to think thing through to much…."

"Sirius," I said coming out of my reverie, "Just how many nicknames must you make for me?"

"Oh as many as I see fit, Remmy-poo!" he squealed, sounding not unlike and dying hamster and a small school girl mixed together.

I told him of this resemblance.

"Oh Moon-iator! That's so sweet of you!"

I backed away from him. I try to stay out of his way when he puts on his girl voice.

"Alright…" I said, trying to scoot across the floor away from the deranged canine, "Let's go find some innocent bystander to test this potion out on, shall we?" I said feeling much unlike my usual self.

Sirius merely said "Like, okay!" in his high-pitched girly voice, as he grabbed my hand and started skipping towards the dormitory staircase.

Sirius dragged me into the Great Hall where our innocent bystanders we sitting eating their suppers…well, innocently. We split the contents of the potion into small glass containers, each containing about three drops of potion each; we needed to save as much as we could for Lily and James.

I walked casually over to the Ravenclaw table, and poured my part of the potion into an innocent bystander's glass of pumpkin juice, and ran back to the Gryffindor table before anyone of the innocent bystanders became suspicious of my, er, doings?

I met Sirius back there and we sat down to innocently eat our dinners and watched apprehensively, waiting for something to happen.

Suddenly, a Ravenclaw boy whose glass I must have poured my potions contents into, came over towards the Gryffindor table.

"Sirius, you didn't your part of the potion in a Gryffindor's drink, did you?" I whispered as James, who was sitting across the table from me, look at me as though I had grown antlers atop my head. As if I'm one to talk. Really, James is the stag here!

"No!" he whispered back "I put it in a Slytherin's!" he said as the Ravenclaw boy came towards the table.

I watched puzzled. Why was this boy, who appeared to be a third year, coming over to our table? I felt my stomach clench up. Something must have gone wrong when we made that potion…

And suddenly, before I could register what was happening, the third year Ravenclaw was standing right beside me, attempting to sit down next to me. Eventually he squeezed in, much to Sirius's disgruntlement, and started to caress…my arm?

I jumped out of my seat as though I had been shocked by electric wire. I ran out of the Great Hall, and sure enough, the boy followed me. I ran to the one place I knew he couldn't get me, the Gryffindor common room. He didn't know the password. Muah ha ha ha. Sorry. Done with the maniacal laughter now….

I was shortly joined by Sirius, out of breath, collapsing into the common room through the portrait hole.

"What—the—bloody—hell?" he wheezed, "A—first—year—Slytherin girl—chased—me," he said as he collapsed in the nearest armchair.

"Yes, well at least _your's _was a girl!" I said darkly.

At this Sirius cracked up and started gasping for breath all over again. There's a funny thing about Sirius: he seems to think every single bloody thing is hilarious. I gave him a full ten minutes to re-gain his composure.

"Now that you have stopped your incessant laughing, it is up to you and me to figure out where we went wrong when we made this potion!" I said, trying to keep myself from exploding completely.

"Hmmmmmm," Sirius said, pretending to think, "Well, obviously the drinker of the potion fell in love with the giver…"

"Wow Sirius, I'm impressed," I said, laughing, "There is something rattling around inside that head of yours!"

At this Sirius put on a face of great superiority, not having the slightest idea that I had just completely made fun of him.

"Well, that's a start at least," I said, wringing my hands together, "but I would really like to not have a third year boy in love with me!"

And of course, Sirius broke out in laughter once again, and it took nearly a quarter of an hour to get him to settle down.

"I have an idea!" Sirius said suddenly, out of the blue, nearly scaring the man knickers right off me, "We could just get James to give Lily the potion!"

Once again Sirius had a look of great pride that he had thought of something on his face.

"Sirius, that's a great plan and all," I sad as he puffed out his chest, "but there's one minor problem; James doesn't much fancy Lily"

Sirius looked crestfallen. The poor boy.

Soon everyone had come back from dinner, looking sleepy and full. After about an hour or so of conversing with James and Peter, I decided to retire for the night. Sleep on this problem. Maybe think of a solution while I sleep.

If I was planning to get a good, full night's rest, how very wrong I was.

I woke up around one o'clock in the morning. I kept my eyes closed trying to figure out why I had woken up. Then I heard the sound of breathing. And not the breathing of my fellow dormitory mates. This was much nearer. As if right next to my bed.

I opened my eyes and peered to my left. Nothing there but the unmistakable lump of Peter in the bed beside mine. I peered to my right. I nearly screamed out in fright. There standing right next to my bed, was the third year Ravenclaw boy, kneeling with his face inches from mine. The moonlight shone on his face, making him appear ghostly and grotesque.

I felt my eyes widen with fear. How did he get in here? He didn't know the password! Or did he…?

After many tries, I eventually convinced this child to lie down on the floor beside my bed. I laid there stiff and unable to sleep. I was never going to help a friend ever again. Especially if it included anything to do with romance…

That morning I tried to tip-toe around the sleeping possessed boy and get down to the Great Hall for breakfast without him awaking. No such luck. He seemed to be magnetically attracted to me. I got down to the Great Hall, feeling triumphant, until I noticed him tailing right behind me.

I sat down and waited for the rest of the Marauders to get down to breakfast. It took them long enough, but eventually they came.

"Who's this chap?" James said upon seeing the boy who seemed to have attached himself to my hip.

"…" said I. I had just realized I didn't even know his name.

No matter.

Why was Sirius's stalker not…stalking him as mine was? It was all so unfair. Its bad enough to have a stalker who is attracted to you romantically, but it's even worse when this stalker is of the same gender.

After breakfast, I pulled Sirius aside.

"Sirius, where's your stalker?" I asked, trying to get away from Jeffery, the Ravenclaw boy.

"Oh, her?" he said nonchalantly, "she's tied under my bed until this all passes."

I stared at him in disbelief. Of course! It will all pass! Even love potions wear of after a while.

Before our first class of the day, Sirius and I took Jeffery up to our dormitory and tired him under my bed as well. I put him out of my mind. For now.

Sirius and I rushed into Transfiguration, apologizing to the professor, and taking the open seats near Peter and James.

"Where were you guys?" James said to Sirius, wondering what he had missed out on.

"Oh no where," Sirius replied, brushing off a piece of dust from the sleeve of his robe, "You just missed the three-some Remmy-poo and I were having with a seventh year Ravenclaw. That's all"

James looked extremely jealous.

"WHAT!" I roared, not believing what Padfoot had just told James.

"Mister Lupin is there something you would like to share with the class?" asked the professor.

"Oh yes, Professor, sir," said Sirius, looking innocent, "Remus and I were just discussing the three-some we had right before this class."

Sirius smiled.

The professor blanched.

**A/N: Yes that chapter was, well, alright I suppose. You should all feel very special, because I made this chapter over 2,000 words long just for you guys because I feel awful that I haven't updated in over 5 months. So really I made this chapter so long out of guilt. Oh and I do apologize if there are any glaring spelling or grammatical errors, but I was in a hurry to write this chapter and post it, to relieve my guilt and see just how many readers I have left. I haven't written fanfiction in ages, so I am really sorry if this chapter was terrible. I could use the criticism. Don't feel shy to give me this criticism. It helps me to see what I need to fix and such things like that. You can flame me, you can praise me, really, anything, I would just like some reviews. Please?**


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